conflicts that arise in our intimate relationships. I’ve written many books in which I’ve presented my conflict-resolution method.
Heading off-fights and resolving conflicts boils down to this: We all need to pull up our big boy and big girl pants and grow-up. Growing up means we are not allowed to dump verbal turds on one another. Or engage in damaging actions against another.
This is easier said than done, I know.
Our world is in great turmoil now.
We are being quarantined in close quarters. It’s easy to get on each other’s last nerves.
But beyond the current state of affairs, there’s a deeper reason why those closest to us trigger our anger.
Strong angry feelings are a clue that unfinished business lurks beneath the surface of our fights. It goes without saying that each time you fight the same fight and lose, you are more aggravated than the time before. But, there is another reason for the intensity of your reactions. In a nutshell, our unconscious minds constantly link present day slights with the wounds we suffered as kids. This is what I call the Emotional Lake Effect. Think about the actual Lake Effect in which a storm gathers moisture and force in its sweep across the Great Lakes. Well, the unconscious mind does the exact same thing. As the mind dips into the reservoir of our unconscious, it dredges up memories of similar hurts that we suffered as kids. The next thing you know, you’re blowing an emotional gasket because you are literally reliving all the pain of previous similar offenses. This explains why fireworks are going off inside you even though the current event doesn’t seem to warrant such an explosive reaction.
To complicate matters, these associations are happening on an unconscious level, meaning your “feeling memories” are disembodied from the actual events. As a result, it’s easy to mistakenly assume that the mountain of emotions you’re experiencing is the result of whatever those close to you just said or did. The next thing you know, you’re aiming your cannons at the other person, and dumping old emotional baggage onto them without realizing it. This heats the climate to a sizzle.
During this precious time at home, I encourage you to perfect your performance:
Turn down the emotional thermostat when your internal temperature starts to rise.
Vow to keep a civil tongue in your mouth rather than deliver a tongue-lashing.
Walk away when you’re triggered. Splash water on your face, and calm down.
When alone, identify the deepest layer of what triggered your anger. This means going back in your memory and uncovering the Old Scar that lurks beneath the current event, which is just a smokescreen. I call this process “Stripping” and, no, I’m talking about getting “nakkid!”
I’m talking about stripping away the overt, here-and-now fight content to uncover the real issue, the Old Scar, that’s been triggered. (I fully outline how to Strip Away the Overt Content to Uncover the Old Scar that Lurks Beneath in Kiss Your Fights Goodbye.)
Next, calmly speak to the person who triggered you about what’s really going on for you.
To ensure that you receive the gift of being heard, it’s vital to present a message that’s hearable (Say no Open or Secret Warfare “Fight Traps” which include name-calling, character assassination, guilt-tripping, etc. I fully outline all the dysfunctional Fight Traps in Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. I encourage you to identify and eliminate all your Fight Traps).